I met "special guest"

http://www.lovemission.com.hk/bio.html

If you walked through Sydney Chinese people area such as China Town and the suburb I live (Burwood), you will see lots of poster along the street about Chinese stars or Chinese performances in Sydney. One of the poster that was posted everywhere for quite sometimes alre, is the one showed on top.

Today as usual, I worked in the Pharmacy except the date is pretty- triple 1 (1st of Nov). Anyway, tis morning when not many people in the city yet, there are some customers come in as usual. Then I suddenly realised this group of people, are actually the people on the poster @_@ COOL~

I serve them as usual, I talked about it to the pharmacist after they left. I never tot that I will get to see media people in my life and never tot tat I will get to serve them! -.- This Sunday is very special =)

Before I ever met any media people, I always tot, they are just ordinary people except that their job is in front of public and media. But after I met them in 3D not in front of a 2D poster, is kinda exciting =P

This time their trip to Australia is some Christian concert for donation purposes. Well, I m buddhist, O Mi To Fo.

Childhood Obesity

Assuming childhood obesity is a gun.

If GENETIC is the bullet that load the gun, then the ENVIRONMENT we are staying now is the action that fire the gun.

Companion

Today I was waiting for the train as usual but experience unusual thing. A lonely elderly Chinese woman came to me and speak Cantonese asking me whether the train going to “Flemington” (she can’t pronounce properly and initially I can’t understand what she said). I keep saying “Hah? Sorry?” I wasn’t sure what she is trying to say. Then she walked away silently. I looked at the sight of her disappointed back. I raised my voice in Cantonese and stopped her: “请问你说什么?” She turned back happily and with hope (I almost can see her “bright” star in her eyes.)

Usually, I don’t response to people talk to me randomly on the road. I don’t look at people on the road. So, often I don’t recognize any of my friends on the road. Today while I was on my way back from gym, I heard “Did you just came back from gym?” I walked away as usual. He repeated “Did you just came back from gym?” I looked back and nodded with “yes”. He is like my dad’s age, I don’t know him, but I saw him several times in the gym. He was very happy after hearing my response and we chatted awhile before he headed to gym and before I continue my journey back home.

So, what is all these about?

I came to a conclusion, I will go back to stay with my parents in the future. I need companion.

漫长的夜晚

Silent night. I was staying outside the house all by myself. The weather was good till I got back home realizing I forgot to bring my keys. It started to rain. Under the cold, quite night, nobody at home. It was 10 p.m. I haven’t sit down since I left home to work at 11 a.m. I was exhausted.

I contacted my housemates and told me they are at friends’ place and will not be back. I rang my landlord but he said he couldn’t come at this late because he was sick after cleaning up our house and toilet today (he is just hinting that I haven’t been cleaning up the toilet for ages). Anyway, fair enough. I never expect him to come over at this late. At 12:30am, I sms another housemate see whether he is coming back and he rang me back tell me “I am sorry I can’t come back at this time. But I will be back at 1:30am. I am just at the pub with friends now.” Of course, I said that s fine, I didn’t ask him to come back immediately. I just want to know whether I should continue to wait. So, I said if he is coming back at 1:30 den I will wait. Luckily I ring the next door bell, someone open the apartment door for me. So, instead of waiting outside the building. I am now in the building in front of the door. I can’t stand anymore. I lie down on the corridor outside my apartment. It was dirty and cold corridor but I don’t have the energy to stand and can’t be bother anymore.

The time past very slowly. I have to say, this is the first time I forgot to bring my keys with me. Am I too lucky? To have this situation when is late in the night, raining, and the day when nobody at home. While I was lying down with my bag as my pillow. I can suddenly understand the feeling of 流浪汉 that I walked pass just now in the city. I can suddenly feel his loneliness, his cold. The feeling of nowhere to go at this time. The feeling of no one to ask for help. The feeling of no one to contact for accompany. Is pathetic. I have been here for two years but this is as if I just arrive today and knowing nothing about this place and the people.

The house is so close and yet so far.

I don’t have the energy to jump around to warm myself up. I continue to scroll myself like a snail. On top of that, 6 out of 10 of my fingers are bleeding and painful due to the dryness.

Somehow, I managed to keep myself in good condition (mentally) until 1:30am. I waited and waited he didn’t come back. It was 1:45am, I wonder why he is not back yet. Mum ask me to call him. But I didn’t because is not his responsibility to come back. Is my fault that I didn’t bring the keys. I have got no right to stop his “entertainment” just because of my irresponsibility. Hated ‘empty promises’ but couldn’t do anything with it.

This situation suddenly bring up part of my memory that was hidden and buried somewhere in my brain.

Another ordinary night where my dad is not back home. Mum rang and He said: “迟一点就回”. So, mum and kids were waiting in front of the TV. It was 12am. Time to sleep. Dad is not back yet. We all know where he is. Mum rang again, the background noise was significant. No doubt, he is at the same old place, pub and alcohol. The same old dialogue repeated. I can feel mum’s heart is tearing and the feeling of helpless. She eventually ‘beg’ me to call dad to come back. She knows if the kids call, might make a different. Dad might be back. But my coldness ignored my mum. I didn’t call and never call, I know even if I call, my dad came back, he wouldn’t be happy. I just let him do what ever he wants because I got no control of his life. I got no right to control what he wants to do. I am able to survive till today is because of his financial support. Taking his money plus controlling his life? Don’t you think you are too over boarded, Sheau Kang?

I have I got no right to take away his “leisure” because it was all my fault. I FAIL completely as a daughter to give him the feeling of family warmth. Eventually, he has to search outside for it. If you couldn’t give what the person want, and you doesn’t the person to look for what he/she wants? Don’t you think you are too ridiculous, Tan Sheau Kang?

For some reasons, my tears start pouring. I know I can’t stand anymore, physically and mentally. It was 2 a.m. My mum, my sister rang. I couldn’t talk. I don’t know what I am talking, I don’t know what they are saying, I wonder what am I doing? Every times my mental break down, I forgot why am I living. I lost my meaning of life/surviving.

At this hopeless night, I wonder what am I going to do? Where should I go? I was terribly cold and fatigue. My eyes swollen red from the tears. 3am. Someone came back and open the door. Supposedly I should be joyful as I can get into the apartment finally. But I feel nothing. After I said to the flatmate softly “Thank you.”

I went to bathroom and wash away all the germs and dirt. In the pharmacy, most of them are sick. I carried all the germs whole day, I just couldn’t stand it. What if I catch it? I finally got into bed at 4am. Surprisingly, I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night (usually I wake up a few times in the night) till my alarm rang and is time to work again at 8am.

The day started again but the memory is still fresh. I acted everything was alright the next day but deep in my heart, it was ‘frozen’ and everything seems to be meaningless after that night.

-Communication-

Recently I have been thinking. Do I have close friends? Why do I feel lonely sometimes? Why I feel my life is kinda empty sometimes? When people ask me, what do you usually do? My answer has always been short and simple. Work + Gym + Internet. So, how often you go out with friends? What about your bf?

Yesterday I went out with friends, I have to say, within these two years in Sydney, I can actually count the number of time I go out with friends in Sydney using my 10 fingers + 10 toes. Pathetic? I think is not pathetic, it serve me right. This is because I am not caring enough to my friends. This is because I am not sharing my feeling, my thought with friends. This is because I don’t know how to communicate with friends.

People send regards messages to friends who are sick, people send all the best messages to friends who are leaving, people send congratulation messages to friends who are getting married, birthday, graduation, babies etc. But lets think about this, how many times I have actually send a regard to one of my friends?

People talk about their problem with close friends. But have I ever talk to anybody thoughtfully? Yes, I always complain, to everyone. So, I guess I should ask, has anybody actually discuss their thought, and share their problem with me? No, not really. I do have friends that might talk through with me about their life once in awhile. But honestly, is there anybody that actually regularly chat, hang out together with me? Nope. Certainly not. Is that because I am too busy? Is that because I stay in a place where nobody stay? Is it because I lazy to go out at night? Is it because I just don’t want to go out? To be honest, I really think is my issue.

Yesterday dinner was great. I enjoy the time with Charmaine and Jenny. They are very open, friendly, humor, and nice to me. They accept me as their friends, they invite me out, they go out with me, they talk to me, they wanted to know more about me etc. The time they willing to spend with me really make me feel very good and accepted. But I don’t think I know how to express myself well. I went back and I keep thinking the words I say might be offensive but I wasn’t aware. I don’t know how to talk in a “normal” way like how friends talk.

Is true what my elder bro said to me when I was young, “one day, you will get beat up by somebody because of the way you say things! You know, you never use brain when you talk!”