I met "special guest"

http://www.lovemission.com.hk/bio.html

If you walked through Sydney Chinese people area such as China Town and the suburb I live (Burwood), you will see lots of poster along the street about Chinese stars or Chinese performances in Sydney. One of the poster that was posted everywhere for quite sometimes alre, is the one showed on top.

Today as usual, I worked in the Pharmacy except the date is pretty- triple 1 (1st of Nov). Anyway, tis morning when not many people in the city yet, there are some customers come in as usual. Then I suddenly realised this group of people, are actually the people on the poster @_@ COOL~

I serve them as usual, I talked about it to the pharmacist after they left. I never tot that I will get to see media people in my life and never tot tat I will get to serve them! -.- This Sunday is very special =)

Before I ever met any media people, I always tot, they are just ordinary people except that their job is in front of public and media. But after I met them in 3D not in front of a 2D poster, is kinda exciting =P

This time their trip to Australia is some Christian concert for donation purposes. Well, I m buddhist, O Mi To Fo.

Childhood Obesity

Assuming childhood obesity is a gun.

If GENETIC is the bullet that load the gun, then the ENVIRONMENT we are staying now is the action that fire the gun.

Companion

Today I was waiting for the train as usual but experience unusual thing. A lonely elderly Chinese woman came to me and speak Cantonese asking me whether the train going to “Flemington” (she can’t pronounce properly and initially I can’t understand what she said). I keep saying “Hah? Sorry?” I wasn’t sure what she is trying to say. Then she walked away silently. I looked at the sight of her disappointed back. I raised my voice in Cantonese and stopped her: “请问你说什么?” She turned back happily and with hope (I almost can see her “bright” star in her eyes.)

Usually, I don’t response to people talk to me randomly on the road. I don’t look at people on the road. So, often I don’t recognize any of my friends on the road. Today while I was on my way back from gym, I heard “Did you just came back from gym?” I walked away as usual. He repeated “Did you just came back from gym?” I looked back and nodded with “yes”. He is like my dad’s age, I don’t know him, but I saw him several times in the gym. He was very happy after hearing my response and we chatted awhile before he headed to gym and before I continue my journey back home.

So, what is all these about?

I came to a conclusion, I will go back to stay with my parents in the future. I need companion.

漫长的夜晚

Silent night. I was staying outside the house all by myself. The weather was good till I got back home realizing I forgot to bring my keys. It started to rain. Under the cold, quite night, nobody at home. It was 10 p.m. I haven’t sit down since I left home to work at 11 a.m. I was exhausted.

I contacted my housemates and told me they are at friends’ place and will not be back. I rang my landlord but he said he couldn’t come at this late because he was sick after cleaning up our house and toilet today (he is just hinting that I haven’t been cleaning up the toilet for ages). Anyway, fair enough. I never expect him to come over at this late. At 12:30am, I sms another housemate see whether he is coming back and he rang me back tell me “I am sorry I can’t come back at this time. But I will be back at 1:30am. I am just at the pub with friends now.” Of course, I said that s fine, I didn’t ask him to come back immediately. I just want to know whether I should continue to wait. So, I said if he is coming back at 1:30 den I will wait. Luckily I ring the next door bell, someone open the apartment door for me. So, instead of waiting outside the building. I am now in the building in front of the door. I can’t stand anymore. I lie down on the corridor outside my apartment. It was dirty and cold corridor but I don’t have the energy to stand and can’t be bother anymore.

The time past very slowly. I have to say, this is the first time I forgot to bring my keys with me. Am I too lucky? To have this situation when is late in the night, raining, and the day when nobody at home. While I was lying down with my bag as my pillow. I can suddenly understand the feeling of 流浪汉 that I walked pass just now in the city. I can suddenly feel his loneliness, his cold. The feeling of nowhere to go at this time. The feeling of no one to ask for help. The feeling of no one to contact for accompany. Is pathetic. I have been here for two years but this is as if I just arrive today and knowing nothing about this place and the people.

The house is so close and yet so far.

I don’t have the energy to jump around to warm myself up. I continue to scroll myself like a snail. On top of that, 6 out of 10 of my fingers are bleeding and painful due to the dryness.

Somehow, I managed to keep myself in good condition (mentally) until 1:30am. I waited and waited he didn’t come back. It was 1:45am, I wonder why he is not back yet. Mum ask me to call him. But I didn’t because is not his responsibility to come back. Is my fault that I didn’t bring the keys. I have got no right to stop his “entertainment” just because of my irresponsibility. Hated ‘empty promises’ but couldn’t do anything with it.

This situation suddenly bring up part of my memory that was hidden and buried somewhere in my brain.

Another ordinary night where my dad is not back home. Mum rang and He said: “迟一点就回”. So, mum and kids were waiting in front of the TV. It was 12am. Time to sleep. Dad is not back yet. We all know where he is. Mum rang again, the background noise was significant. No doubt, he is at the same old place, pub and alcohol. The same old dialogue repeated. I can feel mum’s heart is tearing and the feeling of helpless. She eventually ‘beg’ me to call dad to come back. She knows if the kids call, might make a different. Dad might be back. But my coldness ignored my mum. I didn’t call and never call, I know even if I call, my dad came back, he wouldn’t be happy. I just let him do what ever he wants because I got no control of his life. I got no right to control what he wants to do. I am able to survive till today is because of his financial support. Taking his money plus controlling his life? Don’t you think you are too over boarded, Sheau Kang?

I have I got no right to take away his “leisure” because it was all my fault. I FAIL completely as a daughter to give him the feeling of family warmth. Eventually, he has to search outside for it. If you couldn’t give what the person want, and you doesn’t the person to look for what he/she wants? Don’t you think you are too ridiculous, Tan Sheau Kang?

For some reasons, my tears start pouring. I know I can’t stand anymore, physically and mentally. It was 2 a.m. My mum, my sister rang. I couldn’t talk. I don’t know what I am talking, I don’t know what they are saying, I wonder what am I doing? Every times my mental break down, I forgot why am I living. I lost my meaning of life/surviving.

At this hopeless night, I wonder what am I going to do? Where should I go? I was terribly cold and fatigue. My eyes swollen red from the tears. 3am. Someone came back and open the door. Supposedly I should be joyful as I can get into the apartment finally. But I feel nothing. After I said to the flatmate softly “Thank you.”

I went to bathroom and wash away all the germs and dirt. In the pharmacy, most of them are sick. I carried all the germs whole day, I just couldn’t stand it. What if I catch it? I finally got into bed at 4am. Surprisingly, I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night (usually I wake up a few times in the night) till my alarm rang and is time to work again at 8am.

The day started again but the memory is still fresh. I acted everything was alright the next day but deep in my heart, it was ‘frozen’ and everything seems to be meaningless after that night.

-Communication-

Recently I have been thinking. Do I have close friends? Why do I feel lonely sometimes? Why I feel my life is kinda empty sometimes? When people ask me, what do you usually do? My answer has always been short and simple. Work + Gym + Internet. So, how often you go out with friends? What about your bf?

Yesterday I went out with friends, I have to say, within these two years in Sydney, I can actually count the number of time I go out with friends in Sydney using my 10 fingers + 10 toes. Pathetic? I think is not pathetic, it serve me right. This is because I am not caring enough to my friends. This is because I am not sharing my feeling, my thought with friends. This is because I don’t know how to communicate with friends.

People send regards messages to friends who are sick, people send all the best messages to friends who are leaving, people send congratulation messages to friends who are getting married, birthday, graduation, babies etc. But lets think about this, how many times I have actually send a regard to one of my friends?

People talk about their problem with close friends. But have I ever talk to anybody thoughtfully? Yes, I always complain, to everyone. So, I guess I should ask, has anybody actually discuss their thought, and share their problem with me? No, not really. I do have friends that might talk through with me about their life once in awhile. But honestly, is there anybody that actually regularly chat, hang out together with me? Nope. Certainly not. Is that because I am too busy? Is that because I stay in a place where nobody stay? Is it because I lazy to go out at night? Is it because I just don’t want to go out? To be honest, I really think is my issue.

Yesterday dinner was great. I enjoy the time with Charmaine and Jenny. They are very open, friendly, humor, and nice to me. They accept me as their friends, they invite me out, they go out with me, they talk to me, they wanted to know more about me etc. The time they willing to spend with me really make me feel very good and accepted. But I don’t think I know how to express myself well. I went back and I keep thinking the words I say might be offensive but I wasn’t aware. I don’t know how to talk in a “normal” way like how friends talk.

Is true what my elder bro said to me when I was young, “one day, you will get beat up by somebody because of the way you say things! You know, you never use brain when you talk!”

Internet D.E.A.D

Dear All,

I would like to formally informed the whole world that my internet connection at 17 Burwood Road, Burwood 2134 NSW (fake address, pls do not send anything to this address) has DEAD. This has put me into unfavourable and inconvenient situation when I am writing up the final part of my report and I need ENTERTAINMENT in between.

However, I would like to send my sincere apologies for anybody who looking for me or looking forward to read my blog desperately and couldn't find any updates from me. (Although I knew nobody will care whether I update it or not)

Kind regards,
Sheau

Night Mare- The Day After Tomorrow

For some reasons, the whole night, I couldn't sleep. Not because I was hot and definitely not because I was cold. Wind blow strongly, my door slaming. The sound of the wind was annoying. Usually, my sleep will not affected by the environment or sound. Nothing can wake me up (including fire alarm).

The whole night, I was turning here and there. I don't dare to look at the time coz I will get nervous which will make my sleep worst. I don't know the time, the moment I open my eyes, outside were all red! not blue, not dark but RED. is very very red, like sunset (or worst). I tot it will go away gradually, I tot it was my illusion, I tot is just me.

I continue with my rolling, like sushi. I don't how long after I rolling around, I heard my alarm which indicates is 7am. I woke up (well, I alre wake up is just I did not open my eyes). I looked outside, is still RED!!! I tot is illusion again, I snooze my alarm and lie back on my bed. Another 5 minutes later, I heard my alarm. Gosh, is still RED! I wake up calmly. I did my regular routine. The surrounding is extraordinary quite, as if I am the only person in this universe. I can hear the wind blowing strongly. I can see the redness like in the middle of dessert. I can feel the dust blow on to my face.

Suddenly, it came up to my mind, "Am I dead?" Is this another world? But why I manage to turn off my alarm? Why I manage to brush my teeths? Why I am still able to eat breakfast? Why my neighbour still can see me and talk to me?

Is this the world when people die come to? (Seriously, this is really what I tot when I was up this morning) I was thinking, when people die, they still can do what they normally do? They still can communicate with the people? is just that they are in another world??

I walked under the red sky, as if something was burning but the weather was cold. All the dust blowing on to me, smell disgusting. It suddenly remind me a news that I read yesterday saying Australia has lots of volcanos that will explode anytime. I tot yesterday, all volcanos burst and I was "killed" by the volcano (without noticed since I slept without knowing what s going on earth). Anyway, as I was walking on the street, the surrounding was terrible, the weather, the temperature, the world is just gone crazy.

As I was walking passing thru the construction that were going on next door to my apartment. I suddenly felt (as a "dead" person) the world is disgusting. The people is killing the earth! Construction noise, construction dust, unlimited trucks on the street creating all the noise, air polution suddenly make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

I actually tot I was still "dead" when I walked on the street. It came to my mind, is this the world when dead people stay? But it suddenly came to me: but the real world is poluted (is just that the everything surround doesn't look RED), it is no doubt the weather that I experienced daily was unpredictable and fluctuating.

I knew, and everyone knew the world is sick but we still making it worst for our own selfishness. We destroy the forest to build new house. We said house is important for our next generation to stay comfortably. But as you cutting down the tree, you are destroying the world, you are making the world like a grave, you are shortening your next generation life expand! They lack of healthy environment, more polution. YOU ARE JUST BUILDING YOUR COMFY HOUSE ON A GRAVE!

Anyway, I was "awake" by the time I reached the hospital, knowing that I m still alive. But everyone in the room looking at me weirdly. Coz I was late, well, not late. I usually be there 8am but today I was there 9am. I guess, I have too much tot on the way to work.