Ignored

Recently I have been ignoring my family and bf. Not recently, I think since I came back Sydney. Don't ask me why, if I know why, I wouldn't have typing this post. My mum just phoned and my replied was "good" "ok" "o" She asked open questions and I answered with closed questions. Not sure if it is because I am holding an ice cream. This doesn't mean I am eating and I can't talk. There is another reason of me ignoring my closest when I am eating even though I am full. Makes any sense? Let me explain.

I remembered one of the psycho specialists said there is a link of one's bad behaviour and indirect self-punishment. This is the gold answer that I have been searching ages for my unfriendly behaviour and terrible attitute.

Let me tell you a case study of myself.

Today, I went to a public lecture given by my supervisors and before I left, I did not say 'Goodbye' to any of my supervisors. And my friend told me I should hv talk to them after the lecture. But I replied "nvm, I will see them tomorrow anyway". From that moment, I feel bad, really bad and sorry for leaving my supervisors without telling them. This feeling become worst after I was reminded by my friend that I left without notice. I feel really impolite. On the way back home, I kept thinking what my supervisors will think about my attitute. As you would have know, I very care of how people think about me especially those that are important to me.

This guilty feeling keep bothering me and very often when I feel uncomfortable, I will eat non-stop. This is called binge eating. Once I arrived home, I ate whole lots of food and even though I am full, I still keep eating. Obviously after binging this doesn't make me feel better. In fact, worst! Plus, I wasn't able to go exercise today due to came back late and spent all day in office.

I feel stupid, idiot and unable to self-control. I hate myself coz of my unhealthy binging, my bad behaviour, my impoliteness. At this time, my mum phoned, I did not tell her anything about this. I ignored all her questions. I turned down her concern on me. I hurt her indirectly. By doing this to mum, I feel I am the worst, terrible, horrible person in the world!

So, now it makes sense. No? Let me explain using the following flow chart:
Everytime I am unsatisfy with my bad behaviour -> I will binge -> I feel bad about binge BUT I can't express my anger -> So, I ignored my closest -> makes me feel even down and a terrible person and I am the worst for hurting my closest -> This is a psycho punishment I gave to myself by hurting my mind and making myself feel guilty, worst, and horrible about own.

In simple term, this is call self-mental-abuse.

Another interesting customers

Everyday I work in the pharmacy, I always get to meet very 'interesting' people.

Annonymous 1:
She came in and I said Good Morning, as usual. She replied "it is morning", a very unusual answer.
Then, she asked for two 50cents change with $1 after a long conversation with nil content.
So, in the end, I changed for her. Before she left, she said "good girl". I did not say anything. And she said again "good girl".
Then, suddenly I woke up and replied "Thank you" "sorry" (after 20 secs she spoke to me)
And she looked at me as if I did stg wrong "tq and sorry?"
(Actually I said sorry is becoz I unintentially ignored her at the first place for praising me as good girl)
Then she gave me some long stories of how she tinks about us and how she feels about us previously and how she didn't like us, chinese. She keep saying "I m getting used to u all, chinese ppl" "I m getting used to it"
I jz kindly smile and nodding my head listening to her long long story thinking why is she still here? My window is still waiting for me to clean.

Annonymous 2:
Someone came in asked for some pain killer and "do you hv coke"? (Actually asking do u have coke is better than do you hv cig? Excuse me, this is pharmacy, is a place promoting health. Asking do u hv cig is the same as asking the staff in hospital, can I smoke in the ward?) Anyway, don go off to other story. So, I replied, "No, we don't hv coke" And I added "It is unhealthy" Then he said, "I am asking for diet coke." "Diet is not good too, artificial sweeteners not good for us" "coz I m dietitian tat s y I said tat" (But actually I drank diet coke all the time). So, he wasn't quite happy with my ans and he said "Ok, so u r dietitian, can u ans a simple question with a short ans?" "Do you know how to know whether the 0 yr old kid is eating good? having enough nutrient" So, I replied "We always recommend mum to breastfeed the baby till 6 mo" Obviously he doesn't like my ans. "This is not the ans, how do u noe whether he got enuff nutrient. Come on, short and simple!" He raised his voice. He is certainly challenging me. "Just say u don't know!" Oh well, so I said "I don't know". "U just hv to look at the stool! The stool tell u everything!"
-Another way of interpreting tis story is, "U r telling me shit n Shit tells u everything!"

exhausted

extremely tired (surprise or not i still hv the energy to type a blog coz i m waiting for bath room)

Beginning of the day, I spoke a lot. Talked a lot with customers. By the end of the day, I m almost dead. My batteries runs out.

Around 7pm, I got one customer tat was very unhappy with my hair keep dropping. He is extremely annoyed by my hair. To be honest, I hv put on a lot of weight since I go back msia and I haven been to gym for ages. So, the only thing I m satisfy is my hair. His word and actions really make me feel very very @!#$%^ Unfortunately, he is the boss, customer is always ur boss. So, I jz bare with him. Plus he is old. I can't be bothered to argue with him. -Smile- be professional even I m not.

My mum loves my story. So, I m gonna tell story.

Story 1:
One of my very nice customer rang and order some medications. He and his wife are chinese herb doctor. I always deliver stuff to their place. They are extremely nice old couple. I sent new year card for them before and they even give me a box of new year biscuit. Today I send parcel to their place, noticed the doctor wasn't in d clinic. Ask his wife and I was told he admitted to hospital and seperate him from the outside world. He got fever n coughing terrible. He was treated as if he has swine flu. But I can imagine that might be the case. His wife even got a bit of coughing. Nancy was kinda worry, she asked me to wash my hand as soon as I got back -.-I feel really bad for him and his wife. Coz his wife have to take care of the clinic, take care of him, and take care of herself. Really hope both of them will get thru it. They are really friendly ppl and nice to us (Pharmacy's staffs).

-看着她那慈祥的眼睛，可是背后的她其实是那么的疲惫-
为了他人，往往你会变得更坚强

Story 2:
Today I met one of my regular customers (well, to b more accurate, I shl say, "used to be" one of the regular customer coz I actually haven't seen her quite awhile) The moment I saw her, I was shocked, coz she appeared to be very old and weak compare to the time I saw her last time (was during Chinese New Year). After she left, I asked Nancy (my boss) is anything going wrong with her? Coz she jz look so old and tired and unhappy. She used to be very talkative. Nancy told me she was diagnosed with cancer and she tinks nobody care about it. She wants to live longer but her sons and daughter sounds like not very supportive for her to go on treatment. I recon is coz they doesn't want her to suffer more. I jz feel so sorry for her.

-她的生命变得那么的无奈-
为何生命是如此的脆弱。

time to go shower

What is the life I want to live?

Who knows?

This morning I woke up and the first question came to me is, What is the purpose of my life?
Then the questions keep flowing thru me: What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I doing this? Am I satisfy or happy with my current life?

Well, when I am questioning "Am I satisfy or happy with my current life?" which means I am definitely not. Even though I know that life is not perfect. I experienced the worst time where I had to go thru all the medical + mental issue. At that time, I wish my life could be simplier. Now, I am having a simple of nothing much. Nothing much happened in a day: no pain and no gain. No sadness, no happiness. My emotion is just like a blank paper.

So, WHAT I WANT?

Ever since the day I left home, I know there is no way back. Pls don't question me why do I choose the difficult road. Or is there a easy way?

Ideal life V.S. Real life

What is a normal life? Am I having a normal life?

Too many question without an answer.
Make it worse.

Anyway, I think a life with "no pain and no gain" is working fine with me now. I know, when I found happiness, sadness is followed at the back very closely. Oh well, "no emotion", I guess is the best.

Thank you for reading. Sorry for all the miserable sentences and questions.
I think I found what I after, maybe?

Money

My mum said: "if the money can solve a prob, then is not a prob"

Story 1:
I lost $2 in market n I found $0.05 in my pocket.
How s tat sound? U like the deal?

Story 2:
On Sunday, I worked in the Pharmacy for 10 hours without my boss. There is a customer came in and bought a hearing battery (~$6). Before they left (they are coupled), the girl told the boy to test the hearing aids' battery. Apparently, the boy doesnt want. He has a very profound hearing prob and the hearing aid he is wearing apparently is low in battery and cant hear properly. Anyway, the girl came back after 30 mins, and said the batteries aren't working. But we don't do exchange or refund. That s just our shop pharmacy. She scream scream and scream non stop and almost cried. But in the shop, non of the staff is louder than her (if my boss is here, he is really strict and loud). In Australia, usually in a big supermarket, they do refund. At the end, I can't stand anymore, she jz screaming and scolding non-stop and I can feel her stress. I can see that coz of her partner, she is having all the stress. So, I took out my wallet and buy another one from our shelf and gave her a new one. To me, is just a $6 thing. Y want to make so much trouble to everyone? Staffs not sure wat to do. Other customers came in and see the whole show and have to disturb my boss from having their holiday. If $6 can stop the drama, den is worth it.

Obviously, she stopped screaming and scolding. She thanks us in the end, she almost cry not bcoz of angry but coz of touch. After all tat, she said she worked as sales assistant as well and she had experience all the customers throwing all the anger on her and she hates doing to us.

Sunday, everyone will be stress to go back to work again. Stress being scold by boss, customers, stress making mistakes etc. Oh well, it just make me wonder, who create the stress? And the power of $

Panadol

Good day ladies and gentlemen, today I m going to tell you a story, the title is The Magic of Panadol.

Once upon a time, there was a big girl staying alone in a lonely planet. One day, she was attacked by unknown virus and bacteria. There was no one in the island was able to help her. She was in miserable, upset, and frustrated. She felt that s the end of her life. Just before, she is trying to give up, she saw a box of white pill shinning.

She get closer to it and looked at the box labelled which said "Panadol". She has never try it before because she was told not to put anything into mouth that you don't know. However, she thought she was going to die anyway, so, there is no harm putting more poison into her body. Initially, she start approaching it gradually, she took one and swallow. After a while, she found no different but her headache say good bye to her for a moment after she had the pill. So, she thought, "Oh Wow, I found a magic pill!" Even it was just a short relieve, she was surprise with that. She wasn't sure is it because of the pill or is it because she slept more.

Anyway, she didn't straight get into the pill. She just left it there after the incidence. Unfortunately, her headache comes back and attacked her again, this time not only headache, she felt the whole body just not working. No matter how she try to sleep, she just can't go into sleep. So, she is desperate, she doesn't want to die.... yet. But somehow she felt depressed and wish to let it go jz as it is. But in the end, she go back to the pill that she found the other day. Her instinct just told her to take 2 pills at once and she took it. Just as her instinct told. She knows there is no more solution she can hope for already. Panadol is just the only last resort. So, after 6 hours, when she woke up, she took another 2 pills again. She don't know why she is taking so many. But since there is nothing she can do, she just try everything on.


At the end, after taking 6 pills, she is happily every after.

That is the end of my story. This story tell us: If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. If it get worse, then is just make her life shorter. However, if it works, then miracle happen! Thank you.

Loser

U lose to a TV, loser!