Ignored

Recently I have been ignoring my family and bf. Not recently, I think since I came back Sydney. Don't ask me why, if I know why, I wouldn't have typing this post. My mum just phoned and my replied was "good" "ok" "o" She asked open questions and I answered with closed questions. Not sure if it is because I am holding an ice cream. This doesn't mean I am eating and I can't talk. There is another reason of me ignoring my closest when I am eating even though I am full. Makes any sense? Let me explain.

I remembered one of the psycho specialists said there is a link of one's bad behaviour and indirect self-punishment. This is the gold answer that I have been searching ages for my unfriendly behaviour and terrible attitute.

Let me tell you a case study of myself.

Today, I went to a public lecture given by my supervisors and before I left, I did not say 'Goodbye' to any of my supervisors. And my friend told me I should hv talk to them after the lecture. But I replied "nvm, I will see them tomorrow anyway". From that moment, I feel bad, really bad and sorry for leaving my supervisors without telling them. This feeling become worst after I was reminded by my friend that I left without notice. I feel really impolite. On the way back home, I kept thinking what my supervisors will think about my attitute. As you would have know, I very care of how people think about me especially those that are important to me.

This guilty feeling keep bothering me and very often when I feel uncomfortable, I will eat non-stop. This is called binge eating. Once I arrived home, I ate whole lots of food and even though I am full, I still keep eating. Obviously after binging this doesn't make me feel better. In fact, worst! Plus, I wasn't able to go exercise today due to came back late and spent all day in office.

I feel stupid, idiot and unable to self-control. I hate myself coz of my unhealthy binging, my bad behaviour, my impoliteness. At this time, my mum phoned, I did not tell her anything about this. I ignored all her questions. I turned down her concern on me. I hurt her indirectly. By doing this to mum, I feel I am the worst, terrible, horrible person in the world!

So, now it makes sense. No? Let me explain using the following flow chart:
Everytime I am unsatisfy with my bad behaviour -> I will binge -> I feel bad about binge BUT I can't express my anger -> So, I ignored my closest -> makes me feel even down and a terrible person and I am the worst for hurting my closest -> This is a psycho punishment I gave to myself by hurting my mind and making myself feel guilty, worst, and horrible about own.

In simple term, this is call self-mental-abuse.